Whenever I heard there was a wedding approaching, I anticipated a week of memorable chaos. Unlike the one day event of a western Christian wedding, Muslims have two events and Muslims from the Indian subcontinent have three!

Islamic weddings are made of two parts, the nikah and walima. The ‘nikah’ is the consummation of marriage and the legal contract between husband and wife which is sealed once both say “kobul heh, kobul heh, kobul heh” (I accept, I accept, I accept). This is followed by the ‘walima’ which happens straight after the nikah or a few days later. Walima comes from the Arabic word wala which means ‘to assemble’ but in its simplest definition it is the wedding banquet held by the groom’s family.

Asian Muslims have a third event which takes place between the nikah and the walima. This is the hosting of the grooms side by the bride’s family and has equal precedence to the walima. Asians also have a fourth event which takes place before the nikah! This is called mehndi (henna) night. This can be considered as the stag or hen do, but without a naked groom tied to a lamp post or a bride covered with stickers and badges stating her ‘last night of being single’. Mehndi night is when relatives and friends rub henna on the groom and bride’s hands while simultaneously stuffing them with sweets.

Whether you call it ‘urs’ (Arabic), ‘shaadi’ (Urdu, Hindi, and Punjabi) or ‘beeyah’ (Bengali), wedding week for Asian Muslims is a major event.

Here are my ‘serious six’ signs of an Asian Muslim wedding. If any one of these points is missing in an Asian wedding you’ve ever experienced, then I have serious doubts in the level of spice in their curries too!

1.       Eating late is the oldest and most famous Asian wedding ‘mishap’. When the wedding card states 2pm even seeing the food at 4pm is normality. Honestly it’s so common that relatives from out of town intentionally leave late to arrive in time for service!

2.       For some unknown reason the mahar (dowry) paid to the bride is always a penny or a pound over. For example £10,001 or £10,000.01.

3.       Chivalric young men bursting with masculine testosterones hire out Ferraris, Bentleys, BMWs and Porches which are throttled and ‘red lined’ to their maximum capability.

4.       Elder’s gossip non-stop while match making and arranging the ‘next wedding on their list’.

5.       A cocktail of northern, midlands and cockney accents. Relatives from Bradford, Manchester and Birmingham speaking to cousins from London, Luton and Bedford as if they are communicating with aliens.

6.       Colourful and stylish sharwanis, shalwar kameezes, thobes, (male garments), saris, jilbaabs, lengas and hijaabs (female garments). The groom always wears a Mughal type ‘phagri’ (turban) and the bride always wears red.